I suspected I was pregnant so I finally broke down and purchased a pregnancy test. When I say I broke down and finally purchased a pregnancy test, it is not an easy thing for me to do. After years and years of infertility and tons of negative pregnancy tests, let’s just say I really don’t like peeing on a stick any more. Anyway, the test did show positive and of course excitement and fear began to fill my heart. I called my doctor to let them know and they asked me to come in for a blood test, which later did reveal what the pee stick had already told me. I was already feeling tired, bloated and hungry but I was also cramping and spotting. After my visit to the doctors I went straight home to pray and get into the word. I praised God for this pregnancy and I began to cast all of my cares/ fears on Him which I will detail later in the post.
As some of you know, many months ago Neal and I were convicted that we were not totally giving the future of our family over to the Lord. We went through years and years of infertility and pleaded with God to bless us with children. We were completely and utterly dependent upon Him during this time. However when God blessed us with three beautiful girls, 2 of who came home through our amazing journey in adoption and our third which God blessed us through my womb, we realized we were no longer dependent in that area of our life. After three beautiful gifts Neal and I both agreed we were done. That was when we decided to go back on birth control. Normal, right? At the time we had no hesitations about birth control. We were happy, content, satisfied and our desire had been met. We really didn't have the desire to have more children.
Back in July, God began to change my heart and open my eyes to huge things, things I never thought would ever cross my mind. Things that had never been talked about in the Christian community I grew up in. Things our church didn’t talk much about. Things that the culture (satan) had gotten a hold of and deceived me of. And if you don't think birth control is a cultural thing then you are fooling yourself. But is birth control wrong? Good question. I would point you to study the scriptures and see how God describes children. I think it is also important to read more about hormonal Birth Control which can be an abortifacient. Lastly, but most importantly, I suggest prayer.
So, through tears, praying, Gods word, reading, A LOT OF READING, a lot of tears, a lot of praying, counsel, debating, and wrestling we finally realized that we needed to go back to the place we were when praying for children during the (long) season of infertility. We need to be completely and utterly dependent on Him for our family again. Like I said our desires had been fulfilled but were His? Our intentions/desires were of course for a family but, not too big and not too small, manageable and affordable so as to best steward our time, energy and provisions (hmmm, that is worthy of another post). Those are all good intentions right? As Neal and I began to dig deep we realized our intentions were lacking. Hebrews 4:12 says... For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
The root issue why we didn't want a large family because that would mean more money (who's money?), more time/energy and more work (my selfish heart). Neal and I began to ask ourselves questions like; do we really trust whole heatedly that God knows what’s best for our family, big or small? Would he provide what is necessary (not above and beyond) whether big or small? Would He actually create a life (baby) that is not supposed to be here? (Psalms 139:13-16) How were we viewing the possibility of more children? As a gift/reward Psalms 127:3 or as a burden? I can't remember the last time someone gave me a gift and I looked at it as a burden. We also realized we were on the receiving end of things and God was the giver of the gift/reward if he so desired. That was a big one for me. I was controlling rewards?? It just didn’t seem right. We realized too that we needed to receive everything (trials and blessings) with thanksgiving 1 Timothy 4:4 and be open to the possibility that He may have more in store for us. And that He did.
Neal and I realized we were lacking in our knowledge of Gods word and also felt we were lacking in our faith. So we chose a different path for our family.........."and whatever is not from faith is sin." Romans 14:23
John Piper explains it well: "This, I believe, is what lies behind Romans 14:23. Sin is anything, any act or any emotion or attitude, that does not sprout from the soil of such confidence, in the God of hope. 'Whatever is not from faith is sin.'"
I know some of you are probably thinking we are crazy, we have lost our minds and that’s okay. Really! This is the choice God has called us to make. If you are truly interested in reading more about the choice we made READ HERE.
Anyway, like I started to say in the beginning of this post, we are pregnant. Well..... we were pregnant. This morning we miscarried and I can’t begin to tell you the comfort I felt even before the miscarriage. And the peace I have felt does surpass my understanding. As I mentioned earlier I had fears that began to fill my heart when I realized I was pregnant. Some of those fears were; I was already cramping and spotting (which I know could be nothing) but I have miscarried before and I believe it was my lack in progesterone. I am pretty sure that was what helped me sustain my pregnancy with Madi (not to mention it was by the grace of God I carried her in my womb). This time around I realized I did not have any progesterone on hand and I could not get some quick enough for it to make a difference. Another fear is the insurance we currently have does not cover maternity.
After praying through my fears God began to bring things to my mind that has put my fearful heart at peace. He reminded me of the study I did not too long ago In Exodus 16. God supplied for all of the Israelites needs and if God could “rain bread from Heaven” then He certainly could supplement for what my body was lacking. Also, a while ago, before I even knew I was pregnant I was contemplating a home birth. I had already been doing some research on midwives and Neal was open to the idea as well. So whether a home birth was the answer to the lack of maternity coverage or not, we truly felt God would provide. We have been off of birth control for a while now and we are in the search for affordable maternity coverage and God knew that. He could have allowed the pregnancy to happen sooner as well as later but He chose now.
After finding out I was pregnant I found this video. I have played it at least 10 times a day and if it was not playing out loud it was playing in my heart. It has brought so much comfort. This morning I woke up to find out I was miscarrying my two oldest girls (who do not know yet what mommy is going through) were singing JJ Heller’s song “His Hands”. God was bringing comfort through my daughters. How sweet that was to my heart, tears of sweet comfort. This miscarriage was also another opportunity for my husband to protect me and love me!
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
I am sad and my heart is grieving right into His comforting and loving arms that hold me still. We have received His peace and we still completely and utterly depend on Him for our family. He is the giver and taker of life, the one who purposed life, the one who knows exactly what our family needs, the one who is the giver of “our daily bread”. The one who will bring good out of any situation, the great provider and protector, the one who is so worthy of our trust and praise.